Tommy Cooper Classics

[nookiebear]

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
> > of them would have seen it.
> >
> > 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
> > press the hash key..."
> >
> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
> > nuts."
> >
> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> > find any.
> >
> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
> > too high."
> >
> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
> > in.
> >
> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
> > "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
> > can't, I've cut your
> > arms off".
> >
> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
> >
> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
> > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
> > and heat it.
> >
> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> > with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
> >
> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> >
> > 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
> > sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> > " Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
> >
> > 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
> > there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have
> > a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
> > checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
> > down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's
> > really heavy"
> >
> > 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
> > my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
> >
> > 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> >
> > 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
> > give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
> > go for it.'
> >
> > 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
> > people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
> > my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Wang-Chu?
> > But I think its Colin.
> >
> > 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
> > other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
> >
> > 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
> > and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
> > one off.
> >
> > 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> > They left a little note on the windscreen.
> > It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
> >
> > 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
> > places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
> >
> > 22. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
> > small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
> > search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
> > that number to climb as digging continues into the night